


Need You on the Other Side

by rafaelbaseball



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Father's Day, Fluff, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Rafael lets him, Sonny wants to be a good boyfriend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-06-17
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:19:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19250152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rafaelbaseball/pseuds/rafaelbaseball
Summary: Father's Day isn't a day of celebration for everyone.--There’s a reason why Rafael has been able to say these things aloud at all, a reason why Sonny hadn’t barged in here fuming over Rafael’s disappearing act. Sonny may not understand what Rafael has gone through, but he sure as hell understands Rafael.When Rafael meets his eyes, Sonny offers a small smile. “What do you need from me?”





	Need You on the Other Side

It’d been sometime around four in the morning when Rafael had realized what a terrible idea it was to spend the night in his office.

The couch has never been easy on his back, he’s talked about trading it in for a fold-out or even a portable cot for ages but every time an actual opportunity to do it comes up, he either finds himself to be too busy or, though he’d never admit it, too lazy. Besides, a cot would throw the aesthetic of his office into complete disarray and he refuses to let that happen.

With a groan, he shifts for what must be the hundredth time of the evening--

(Morning? The sun is already peeking through the blinds.)

\--and when he peeks at the clock on the far wall, he realizes it’s well past five. He’d gotten almost a couple hours in, then. There’s one thing he’ll be willing to celebrate today. 

He glances at his phone, face down on the coffee table, with a twinge of guilt nagging at him. It’d buzzed all night, over and over, and Rafael knows all he’d needed to do was send just one quick message back to avoid any unnecessary concern but he hadn’t been able to find the heart to do it. Besides, he’s kidding himself. Had he told Sonny the truth, had he told Sonny why he’d felt the need to sneak out of their bed half past midnight and grab an Uber to his office, Sonny would have been out the door of the apartment before Rafael could have asked him to stay put.

He’d just needed the time alone. At least, that’s what he’d thought. It doesn’t seem to have helped all that much and now there’s an ache in his back to go with the dull one that’s been pulsing in his chest for the past week. 

It’s almost over. Just give it another twenty-four hours. It’s almost over.

After staring at the ceiling for another fifteen minutes, repeating that joke of a mantra, Rafael finally concedes. Sleep is futile. It’s almost as if the universe is agreeing with him when there’s an unexpected rap at his door that nearly sends Rafael tumbling to the ground. 

Scrambling to get up, he looks down at himself, at the worn sweats and plain white tee that has three holes near the hem from being washed so many times, and lets out a short, hysterical laugh. With minimal effort, he pats at his hair, not entirely sure of what his next move should be because frankly, he hadn’t expected anyone to come knocking on his door because nobody should have expected him to be here.

“Who is it?” he calls, taking a cautious step toward the door.

“Open the damn door, Rafael.”

Oh.

“Shit,” Rafael mutters under his breath, letting out a deep exhale as he crosses the room to unlock the door. Opening it just a crack, he peers out at the familiar face, squinting. “Sorry, did you have an appointment?”

Looking wholly unimpressed, Sonny rolls his eyes. “Funny,” he says dryly. “You letting me in or not?”

Rafael shrugs, stepping back from the doorway and spinning on his heels to head back toward his desk. The ache in his back has deepened, so has the one in his chest, and now he has the start of a migraine to top it all off, a holy trifecta to complete his hell. He plops down in his chair, pulling open his bottom drawer and finding two very different solutions: a bottle of 15-year-old Macallan, still unopened and waiting to be used for a monumental occasion, and a bottle of Aleve. 

Smiling wryly, he grips the neck of the Macallan and holds it up for Sonny to see, giving it a little shake. “Thirsty?”

Sonny shuts the door firmly behind him, locking it, then crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s six o’clock in the morning, you’re not having scotch.”

“You’re no fun.” Still, Sonny is right so Rafael sets the bottle back down, trading it for the naproxen. He shakes two tablets into his palm and swallows them dry, cringing as they go down and pointedly ignoring how closely Sonny is watching him. When the room stays silent, Rafael sighs, leaning back in his chair. “How’d you find me? Lover’s intuition?”

“Find My Friend app,” Sonny shoots back, arching a brow. Rafael thinks he almost looks smug. “Told you that would come in handy someday.”

“You’re mad at me.”

“No.” Scoffing, Sonny throws a hand in the air before letting it settle back down at his hip. “You know what? Yeah. Yeah, I am. You realize you’re dating a detective, right? You realize that when I wake up in the middle of the night and you’re gone and you don’t answer my calls or texts, I’m going to start coming up with every single worst case scenario possible, right? You realize--”

“I do,” Rafael interrupts, frowning. He rubs at the bridge of his nose, willing the pills to work faster. “I do realize all that, Sonny, I’m sorry.”

Deflating, Sonny takes a few ambling steps toward him, lowering himself onto the edge of Rafael’s desk. “You’ve been here all night?”

Rafael nods in the affirmative, not quite willing to meet Sonny’s eyes. He sticks a finger through one of the holes in his shirt instead, twisting it so it grows wider, larger. It’s just the kind of fiddling his father would have hated. 

“I thought it would be good to take my mind off things,” he admits, his voice low. He senses Sonny shifting, probably straining to hear him. “I wanted to keep busy. Thought it would be easier if I was already here. I should have answered your texts but I…” He trails off, narrowing his eyes at nothing in particular. “I don’t know. I’ve always just dealt with it on my own.”

He doesn’t relish telling Sonny stories about his childhood. Rafael hates the idea of anyone seeing him as a product of a broken home because that’s certainly not how he sees himself. He’s a man who’d had a shitty dad, just like so many other people in this world, that’s all. 

Except that’s not all, is it? That’s the point, isn’t it? That’s why he’s here, hiding away from a city of people set on celebrating the fathers who exist in it, the good ones, the ones who make their families happy. Rafael recalls a time years and years ago when his grandmother had purchased a set of cigars for him to gift his father. They’d both been certain he wouldn’t be able to complain but they’d been proven wrong. That’s how he’d gotten that faint burn mark still present just above his right shoulder blade. 

It’s a yearly reminder, Father’s Day, that his own dad had found a strange sort of pleasure in tormenting his child. That’s not normal, Rafael had grown up understanding that because his mother and his grandmother and even his friends had repeated it to him, over and over; but it’d been his normal for years. At a certain point, Rafael could no longer say he was surprised when his father lashed out, sometimes over the most minuscule of inconveniences. 

“I get it,” Sonny says now, murmuring the words like he’s talking to a wounded baby animal, but Rafael shakes his head.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but you don’t. When you can point at a card and say your dad would love that one, you don’t get to say you understand.”

A combination of hurt and guilt flashes across Sonny’s features. “I shouldn’t have said that. That was insensitive, I should have known better.”

He’s missing the point. It’s not his fault. He doesn’t understand.

“You’re allowed to say it, Sonny. You are. You shouldn’t feel bad about the fact that your dad didn’t treat you the way mine treated me. I would never wish that for you, for anyone. You should be glad you can celebrate him, even if he’s not Father of the Year.” Not by any means, Rafael is tempted to add, but the corners of Sonny’s mouth flicker downward and that’s as good a sign as any to leave well enough alone. “It’s just not how I’ve lived this day. Even though he’s been gone for so long, I can’t help what it does to me when people remind me to call my dad on Father’s Day. Or when every other commercial on TV is about the best gifts to buy dad, the best restaurants to take him to, the movie marathon you and your dad are sure to love. The e-mails, the storefronts, the well-meaning people who stop by the office to talk about a case. He’s everywhere, smiling at me through the faces of strangers, and it makes my skin crawl.”

When Sonny doesn’t say anything, Rafael forces himself to look up, expecting pity but finding compassion. That shouldn’t come as a shock and honestly, it doesn’t. There’s a reason why Rafael has been able to say these things aloud at all, a reason why Sonny hadn’t barged in here fuming over Rafael’s disappearing act. Sonny may not understand what Rafael has gone through, but he sure as hell understands Rafael.

When Rafael meets his eyes, Sonny offers a small smile. “What do you need from me?”

It’s such a simple question but Rafael feels like it takes a weight off his shoulders. He could ask for anything, whether it be space or ten cups of the strongest coffee in the city or simply sitting together in silence, Sonny will give it to him. Rafael is certain of that, he’s never been more certain of anything or anyone than Sonny Carisi. He’s thought about it before, how easily Sonny could destroy him; but he’s content with believing Sonny never would. 

Rising from his chair, he circles around the desk, reaching for Sonny’s hand and nodding toward the couch. “Sit with me for a bit?”

“I’ll sit with you for as long as you want,” Sonny tells him, following dutifully. He drapes an arm over Rafael’s shoulders once they’re settled, pressing a tender kiss to Rafael’s temple. “Just do me one favor, okay?”

“What’s that?” Rafael asks, his eyes already fluttering shut as he nestles against the warmth of Sonny’s body.

“Wake me up next time, even if it’s just to tell me you need to take off on your own for a little while.”

Rafael blinks then shifts in Sonny’s arms, resting a hand over Sonny’s chest as he looks up sheepishly. “I will. I’m sorry I worried you.”

“You’re just lucky you kept your phone on,” Sonny says, pecking Rafael’s lips with his own. “I was so close to putting out an APB on you before I remembered that app.”

“That could easily be used for stalking, you know,” Rafael teases, poking Sonny’s side. 

Sonny yelps, batting Rafael’s hand away with a laugh. “Remember that the next time you chew me out for not offering to grab you a coffee when you see I’m nearby.”

“That was one time and I was in desperate need,” Rafael says, lifting his chin. “Anyway. I’m glad you used it. I didn’t realize how much I was actually going to need you today until you showed up at the door.”

That doesn’t come out quite the way Rafael had intended for it to sound but Sonny doesn’t seem to mind.

“You’re not alone anymore,” Sonny tells him, his tone somehow soft yet firm all at once. “Anytime you want to let me in, I’ll be here.” He wraps his arms tighter around Rafael as the tension from Rafael’s body starts to ease. “I promise I’ll always be at the door.”


End file.
